see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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