yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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