i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
