I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
