sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I got inside last night via doggy door
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
