I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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