haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
