I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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