she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
