Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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