I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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