it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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