I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
