I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
