I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
