don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
