I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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