Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Randomize
