One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
