The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
