my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
