it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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