we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
