how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize