I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
