dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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