What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
