i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
