I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
