My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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