if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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