I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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