I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize