No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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