Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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