Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
