i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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