I wish I could punch you in the face.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Randomize
