There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
