Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
