highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
