can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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