I just pynch a tree in the face
I wanna passion pit in your ass
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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