im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaÃt comercial?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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