Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
