I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
