you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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