I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
