There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Ambien. No doubt about it.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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