girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
