He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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