already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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