apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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