trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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