I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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