I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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