Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
