Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize