Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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