someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize