I hate your face
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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