theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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