you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
