Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
