Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
