so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
