youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
