Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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