Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
