tell your sister to shave her snatch
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
