i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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