apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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