Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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